Ok, this has been one long day and we are in a daze. There was some misunderstanding in the scheduling and the visit with the oncologist was not all that necessary because he told us what we already knew. But he intervened on our behalf and got us in to see a colo-rectal surgeon, saving us another trip and starting the process on its way.
Two enemas later the surgeon did a sigmoidoscopic exam and we all, Karen too, got to look at the monster in my ass. The surgeon did a 180 with the scope and we got to see the monster from behind as well. Ugly f-------. The monster, not the surgeon.
I will see if I get this correct. Karen is right beside me and can correct what I get wrong before I send it along. Options- we have...3? 1st-radiation and chemo to shrink the tumor before surgery. If the tumor shrinks that means I have a chance to get out of this without a permanent colostomy. If the radiation/chemo option is used I will probably get that for 6 weeks, then something like 2 months off and be looking at surgery in the fall. I will have an iliostomy while I heal
Number b. Surgery first, probably a colostomy or iliostomy, then some kind of treatment.
Option 3. Removal of my colon with a permanent iliostomy and no more colon cancer.
Glossary- Iliostomy- an opening through my abdomen where the small bowel would be attached to a bag to collect what the colon used to collect. Depending on the option this would be permanent or temporary(few months).
Colostomy- another opening for a bag, usually lower on the abdomen to collect what the rectum used to collect. This may or may not be a permanent solution.
Part of the problem is that the tumor is so low in my rectum that if the tumor doesn't shrink and surgery affects the sphincter muscles, then I will be an ostomy patient.
This has hit us very hard, very hard and we have at times felt hopelessness and tears and anger and other things too, I guess. Personally I remember what anger and rage are like and I remember how in-effective they are; nothing changes and I usually felt even more stupid or whatever. So today I felt impotent because there was no good way to deal with the emotions. I guess just trying to breathe in and breathe out is a good way but the smile that is supposed to follow has escaped me so far. I want to be angry and know it won't help so WTF am I, are we, supposed to do? Then there is the head game of trying to deal with the idea of an ostomy and self-image and what it will do to my six-pack abs, etc, etc.
And then what?
Dunno.
Tomorrow- rectal ultrasound and then head home. We went to see the wizard and we already knew there is no place like home
Love and peace to all of you from Mike and Karen
5 comments:
Thank God you have three (3) choices. Whichever choice you make will be the right one, so complete your gathering of information and then head for home.
Have a safe journey and we'll see you when you get here.
Huge hugs to both of you! As Karen said you do have 3 options it is far better than only one or god for bit, none.
As for the anger, it's a very normal and natural reaction. I still have those goose eggs to throw if that will help. They make a really satisfying thwack and splat when they hit something. If nothing else it might make you smile.
Tons of love,
Susan
Good Morning, thanks for the update. Through all the doctor speak I kind of know what is going on or is to happen. Now we can start the prayer process anew with better data. Know that you and Karen are in our prayers here and all the other people will be praying also. Be positive and know that we love you!
Mr. Vague/loontrac or whatever and of course Judy!
This is an awesome thought--
Thoughts, rest your wings. Here is a hollow of silence, a nest of stillness, in which to hatch your dreams.
—Joan Walsh Anglund
There is silence in the nest before an egg is hatched. The mother robin must sit quietly and warm them enough to be hatched. During this time, the mother concentrates only on her eggs. She does not let herself be distracted.
There is a time of silence before anything creative is born. And there is silence in the mind before an idea is discovered. A nest is a safe place birds can always return to and be at home. We all need such a nest of silence - a place where we can be quiet and safe, where we can let ourselves be held, and rest.
Often, our best ideas come out of these quiet moments. Times of silence are good for our souls. Just like the robin eggs hatching, so will dreams and solutions grow out of our own nest of stillness.--Karen O
Love is healing. You two have such a strong love for each other, let that vibe soothe your fears. We are all holding you both in our hearts.
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