Einstein's Bluebirds

Years of waking too early so I could be at work at 6 am, have wrecked my ability to sleep late. In that hour before my alarm is set to go off I am easily disturbed by small noises so I am often already half awake before the alarm wakes up. Yesterday morning, while my consciousness was floating slowly to the surface, I heard a soft Pat-Pat, coming from somewhere in our home. There was a pause, then the sound came again, Pat-Pat-pause...Pat-Pat. My mind was already awake so I got up and wobbled out to the living room to see what was making the noise.

I found a male bluebird was trying to repel an intruder in his territory. The intruder was his own reflection, challenging him from our window. The Pat-Pat came from the bluebird hitting the window, bouncing off, then hitting it again before perching on the shepard's crook that holds our hummingbird feeder. The pause was the bird waiting a few moments before leaving the perch to attack the reflection again and again... Pat-Pat... Pat-Pat...

I turned away to put on water for coffee and remembered something Karen told me a long time ago. I may not have the quote correct and Karen may have been paraphrasing anyway, but basically it goes like this: Einstein's definition of insanity is- Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. It is Ok to laugh or give yourself a dope slap if you have been guilty of this in the past. I know I have been 'insane' many times.

This week is a prime example. Not knowing what else to do in an effort to get answers I kept doing the same thing; over and over. Compared to an adult human, a male bluebird has little in the way of reasoning ability. Yet I was no better than that bluebird that kept hitting the window, again and again.

In our situation Karen and I are insulated from the person holding the answers, the power if you will; by distance, by intermediaries, by lack of understanding and poor communication. I much prefer face to face for important issues and fighting this cancer is an important issue. So I am already at a disadvantage trying to communicate my frustration over the phone. I cannot talk to the doctor but I can talk to Katie and I am sure she understands my words and I am also sure she feels the frustration in my voice and I am sure she means well and wants, genuinely, to help, but... Maybe there is only so much she can do. That is hard to accept sometimes; very hard.

So I call her in the morning and wait for her to call back. By the end of the day I haven't heard from her so I call again. And we are, all of us, no closer than we were in the morning so we have to try again, tomorrow. Call and wait, call and wait, call and wait. My frustration mounts and my patience wears thin and finally by Tuesday evening I had enough. I wanted to kick something or someone. I wanted to scream and growl and yell and rage. I complained loudly, in clear terms, to Katie and later to Emily, Dr. Roy's nurse. I wanted answers, or a head on a plate, or a different doctor. I was willing to go to Mayo, or anywhere, if we could just get started.

What did I get for all that; my little tantrum? My stomach hurt almost right away and when I got home I banged my head on the cupboards for a long time because it felt good and I liked the sound. Predictably, later on, I felt a mix of shame and stupidity. I mean, Katie and Emily are doing nothing wrong. I know they are trying their best. And the doctor is not at fault. I have to believe they all chose medicine because they wanted to help people, not fight bureacracy and get their asses chewed out on the phone in the process. Perhaps it is cliche' but the problem is -the system- and who can fight that?

These good people do understand what I say and what my fears are and why I don't want to waste my PTO and money making multiple trips to the Cities, to OZ, if I can do it all in one shot. But they can only effect change in small ways. At least this is what I choose to believe. Somehow we have all become pawns in a game that has no clear strategy, no fun outcome, even if you do get the answers to your questions.

Mick Jaeger said it "We don't always get what we want, but if we try, sometimes, we get what we need." That's where we are now. The doctor called yesterday and I got to ask at least the most pressing questions and we got answers. We got what we needed, for now. Next week we will make a run down and back to meet with him and the radiation oncologist and possibly we will get more of what we want. Getting all of what we want just isn't in the cards, but we have a start. And that is a step forward.

After my talk with Dr. Madoff, I felt relieved, almost elated. I had answers, we had a plan and a direction. That lasted for about 20 minutes. Then I crashed. The anger fell away, leaving me exhausted, with a stinging headache, a headful of tears hiding behind my eyes. This is why I do not like anger. It takes so much out of me and usually all the ranting, the raving, do nothing to help change the situation. Things change because people change them. Anger is a choice and for a while I gave up and let anger be my choice. Insane people will do that occasionally.

This morning the Pat-Pat was missing. Maybe the bluebird chose to try something else for a change. If so, I like to think Einstein smiled a little. And I hope that someday, when he's done laughing at me, I will give him a reason to smile too.

As always, Peace to you all.
Mike