Since last Thursday morning I have been actively doing something which I have pretty much quit doing. I am expecting.
I've been trying to be present and expecting takes me out to the future which has not happened yet. Moving into the future takes me out of present and presents a whole new level of stress. I have no ability to accurately forecast the future and so therefore have to guess or as I call it, play the "What IF" game. Now "What If" is a fun game say at Church Councel meetings: What if we change the time of church? What if we use Ritz crackers instead of communion wafers? But in this situation it's not so fun. In this case there is a lot at risk. I can't possibly foresee all the "what ifs". I can't cover all my bases. I can't possibly plan for what I can't concieve. The end result? Frustration, anxiety, sadness, helplessness - violence against self.
We cause a great deal of our own pain with expectation. We also cause a great deal of pain to others because of our own expectations. For instance: I expect you will call me every Tuesday at 9:23 am. On Tuesday you don't call me at all. So, then I'm angry at you. You did not meet MY expectation and I'm mad at YOU? How does that work? I should be mad at me for being unrealistic not you. If I had not expected at all...we'd all be fine.
So, here I am. I'm expecting. Last Thursday I got specific and asked the Universe to give us some good news. I've also asked that Mike's prostate not have cancer and I've asked that radiation can be given here in Bemidji where we have friends and loved ones nearby. And...I'm expecting to get what I asked for.
Setting myself up for disaster? We'll find out I guess. I just figure we can't keep getting bad news. This has got to let up sooner than later. We are five weeks out from Mike's cancer diagnosis now and still no plan. We are waiting on the biopsy results from his prostate (they took 20 samples via needle). The good news was the PSA was normal and I'm expecting more good news to follow.
I expect we will hear this week.
Peace,
Karen
7 comments:
So I'm curious about this no expectations not disappointments thing. I too struggle with it, I expect many people do.
So where does the power of positive thinking come in here if we should not expect things to happen?
At what point do we have the right to expect people to do whatthey say they will do?
These are the questions I ask myself when I address this same issue. I don't have the difinative answers either. Darn it all.
Hugs while you wait, it isn't easy.
A long time ago I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which is based on Toltec wisdom and teachings.
The four agreements are these:
1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions (this is where expectation comes in)
4. Always do your best.
It's a book worth owning and you can either go to the Ruiz website or you can go to this one http://www.toltecspirit.com/ to find out a little more.
Remember, it's all practice...all of life is practice.
Love,
K
Yes Karen I do own that book. I read it about 7 years ago (when Kevin was in the hospital) and it is a good book.
But I still struggle with how one can have hope, a future, and moves forward with out expectations? They just seem diametrially opposed. I'm not trying to challenge you just tossing this out there trying to see if anyone else has answers. Maybe we need to sit and talk about it sometime.
Expectation is really pre-meditated disappointment.Expectation is specific and well defined. Expectations are about maintaining control over your life and expectations are rarely met.
Hope is non-specific. Hope is looking forward to good things in your life but not specifying exactly what those good things will be. Hope is letting go. Hope is choosing to believe that something bigger than you is in control.
Hope is wiggle room, expectation is a tight spot with no room to move.
So, here's to lots of wiggle room!
Love ya
K
Karen--You just have to take "one day at a time" and sometimes "one minute at a time". What's worked for me when I have been challenged is to have such strong faith in my higher power (God). He will never give me anything I cannot hanble. Sometimes I wonder, but I continue taking one day at a time.
I've never been challenged like you, but I totally believe in the power of prayer.
\It'll be what it will be (Not bad but different) You and Mike have the strength to handle ANYTHING. It may not seem like it when you project into the future, but you have proven it with how you've handled things so far. One day at a time.
You have also proven it by sharing with others this blog. Writing can be cathartic, and you have proven that. I have seen you grow (cliche) from this challenge. Take care, I love you both, Karen O
Before a sparing match I used to sit on the floor and visualize the way the fight would unfold. I would run the match through my mind, visualizing each block, punch and kick and my counter to them. The fight hadn't happened yet, it was in the future.
When the whistle blew and the fight began to unfold in the present my mind already had a list of possible moves my oponent could throw and my counters to them. The ones I couldn't predict or hadn't planned for I would try to sidestep.
Had I not planed a list of scenarios for the future, my mind would not have known what to expect and would have had to come up with a solution to each move on the fly rather than simply pulling preplanned scenarios from a list of posible ones. I would have gotten punched a lot.
Preplanning is good and lowers your minds stress while increasing it's efficiency. Sticking to a plan thats going pear shaped while refusing to adapt is bad and sometimes all you can do is sidestep.
P.s. I think taking 20 needles to the crotch wins you some type of badassery award. Now I bet Mike can guess how male porcupines must feel.
Boy, is this interesting...
I don't know what to add but that shouldn't stop me. I find I want to throw my two cents in on every comment.
From the time we were youngsters we were fed the idea, via TV, for example, that if we did certain things or behaved in a certain way, good things would happen for us and to us. Well, that works for some people but a great many of us did not have a Leave it to Beaver life. When things didn't work out to the expectations we grew up with, we find ourselves angry and disappointed. I really like what Karen wrote in her last comment here. If Karen and I had held to some expectations cast in stone, about what the rest of our lives together was going to be, then this cancer would have been even more devastating than it is.
This cancer is a prime example of life happening to us in spite of what we wish, in spite of any expectations we might have held. We cling now to hope. We cannot control much of what will happen but we hope for good things and do what we can to live a good life and influence things in that way. Hope is why we look forward to a good report about the prostate biopsy.
People are going to do what they want to do. When we hold expectations for their behavior we risk disappointment for ourselves and creating a burden of disappointment for them, in themselves.
For me, I have chosen to have faith that things will work out in the end; most of the time. I remember wanting to get revenge or make someone pay for a wrong done to me. That kind of energy was just too..useless. What good was all that anger? I gave up by deciding that even if I don't see the outcome, justice will take care of that person, or situation.
When you think about it there are really very few things we have absolute control over in our lives. When Karen and I go paddling for two weeks we carry the necessities in a few packs. The only limit to what we bring is how much we want to carry. Be careful of how much you put in your pack. The pack will soon get too heavy and unwieldy if full of unnecessary stuff. Plus the more junk you have, the more time and energy you have to expend in watching over it and taking care of it. Keep life as simple as you can (easier said than done, let go of the urge to control too many things, hope for and wish for and work for the best answer to whatever comes your way.
Mike
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