Going there

"I used to wonder why the sea was blue at a distance and green close up and colorless for that matter in your hands. A lot of life is like that. A lot of life is just a matter of learning to like blue."

Miriam Pollard

The Listening God

So sometimes life looks a little prettier at a distance and is fairly concrete. Sometimes that same life up close looks a little puzzling. My life seems a little puzzling these days. My husband who I used to know like the back of my hand is now, well, um, well now he's on steriods. Not like all the time steriods. Just every two weeks steriods. Kinda like, um, roller coaster steroids. He gets this mega-dose prior to getting all the chemo meds (leucovorin, oxoliplatin, 5FU). They say it helps him not get so, what was the word Erin used, oh yeah, inflamed. Right!

Ok, so Erin said the Dexamethasone will make him irritable and hop him up and she said it would last for a  few days and then he would come crashing down. What she didn't say was how hungry Mike would get in addition to all of this. What I mean by hungry is he flips out if food isn't right there. It's not a look in the fridge decide what you want to eat hungry it's specific and it is a HUGE gotta have it now hunger. Last week on the way to Duluth we had to pull over to find food, several times. When he is hungry his empty light goes on and you have less than an ounce of gas to find fuel.

And he does get irritable, but that I get. I found myself a few nights ago apologizing to him for all the years of PMS he's had to endure because now I get it. He is also, for a few days anyhow, exhaustingly full of energy. Kinda like when I come home from work all pumped and talky and running at the mouth with stories and ideas and he's worked all day and is tired. Again, sorry baby. I get it now.

Then it all settles down just in time for.....it....to....START ALL OVER AGAIN. Gimme a freaking break!

Today we started the cycle all over again. His taste buds are funky and everything tastes all wrong. Cold drinks bother him. Touching cold bothers him. The cold outside bothers him.  And I am expecting his PMS any time now.(God forbid we both go on the rag at the same time). I also expect he will start to crash on Wednesday when we will be driving to Minneapolis and back for an appointment with Dr Madoff. I'll have to pack a cooler of food and what else? Pamprin?

Mike has six more of these treatments to look forward to before it's all done. Now, having said that brings me to the real point of this blog and those of you who like the "K-Rant" are in for a treat. K? Here we go.

Let me repeat that last point: Six more treatments left = we are not done yet. Why do I say that? Because someone said, and I quote, "Please put this cancer thing to bed.  You won.  Take your medicine, and live the life you have left. " Uh Huh.

My first response to this was: WTF? I mean really what was this person thinking? Does he/she think we are just hanging out at Whiskey Jack Flats with a party of cancer cells drinking booze and crying in our popcorn? Cuz boy, I'd like to put this thing to bed. I'm tired of it. I'm sick and tired of watching what surgery and chemo does to Mike. It's no trip to Vegas to be me right now and it certainly is no real trip to be Forbes either. We are trying to live our lives and do the things we like to do. Believe me if I could have my/our pre-cancer life back I'd take it. But we don't get a freaking do over now do we? We got what we got and we do the best we can with that. We aren't sitting in our chairs staring out the window with drool on our faces waiting for a fairy god-mother to show up and shake her ju-ju wand over us and make it all sunshine and sparkles. Take a walk in these shoes and see how it all looks. Just walk on over here and see if you can make every day a Disney day.

Ok so that was my first response. Mostly happened in my head. Didn't get up in this persons face and say it so I'm ok. Didn't trash out anybody's feeling. Thank age and a lot of Buddhist and Toltec teachings for that.

But what did happen was I put myself in that person's space and thought (and we thank Thich Nhat Hanh here)...hmmmm wrong perception and wrong understanding.

Here that? Wrong perception based on wrong understanding. So, whose fault is that? In this case it is ours. What ensued after this revelation was a long conversation between Mike and I in which we realized we have not, as of late, been very good at bringing you our reader or those of you in our lives to clear understanding of what this whole cancer thing means in our lives. So, I'm going to be a little more present and a little more honest and as our friend "Lucious" (name changed to protect the innocent) says a little more raw. Raw as in with no additives or preservatives.

You might want to gird your loins and stock your fridge because we're going there.

Peace

Karen