What Ho, All !

That's Bertie Wooster's typical greeting. We have been watching Jeeves and Wooster on Netflicks. Light British comedy that we can highly recommend. Especially if you are a fan of House because Hugh Laurie, the main character in House, is one of the main characters in Jeeves and Wooster except he is about 30 years younger.

It has been a while since I have posted. Time was taken up with finishing some Christmas projects. My energy was flagging and I had quit a bit discomfort with nausea. Medication helped take the worst of the icky urpiness away but one gets tired of tasting puke everytime one has an eruction. Plus there has been time taking up with processing.

The Monday before Christmas we were in Duluth, meeting with the genetic counselor. It was her job to tell me what I already knew; that my cancer was hereditary and not just limited to the tumor. I knew that in the same way I knew they would find a tumor back in May. This means my daughters and siblings have a 50% chance of inheriting Lynch Syndrome and if they test positive for the Syndrome, then they have to actively monitor for various cancers throughout their lives. Even though I cannot get colon cancer ever again, I do have to consult with my oncologist and primary care doctor, to set up plan for screening for other cancers. Lynch Syndrome can produce colon, endometrial, ovarian, stomach, kidney/urinary tract, brain, biliary tract, pancreas, small bowel and sebaceous adenomas. The list is too damn long.

In our first  visit with the genetic counselor we tried to give her what we knew of my family medical history. I was handicapped when it came to Orville's side because Mom never talked about him. I mean never. And the little bit I know about mom's side is a perhaps a bit sketchy too, but certainly not encouraging. Mom's sister died of colon cancer (I think) and her brother died of brain cancer and mom had a bout of colon cancer in her 80's and maybe had breast cancer when she was younger. Grandpa died of pancreatic cancer and all the time I thought Dad died of cirrhosis of the liver it is possible he died of liver cancer.

Whatever. I know what I had and I know what I have to look for in future screenings. And that is not something I look forward to at all. On one level the idea of having to deal with more of this shit really makes me mad. NO ONE wants cancer once, let alone a second or third time and I am tired of dealing with what we are going through right now. Enough is enough and I want, we want, our lives back.

Like I said, we are processing. Karen and I know we have to make our life work, even with the knowledge we may have to face cancer again.We know we have to live our life, creating a place of joy and hope and peace and love. We have to go on: there is no other way.

Yesterday was my fourth of eight chemo treatments. I know it is too early to start looking toward the end. The long fat part of this goddamned portage is still ahead and the end is nowhere to be seen. Not from this point, not yet. I personally know people who have it way worse than we do; people who are in their third and fourth bouts with cancer and they are still fighting. So I can complain a bit, but I can't give up.

Karen got me my own drum for Christmas. Up until then I had been using a drum loaned to me by Lisa, to aid me in my healing process. The whole story is pretty interesting and maybe Karen will tell it at another time. This new drum, my own drum, has a very thick bull hide and I can whale on it which is proving good because in my drumming I often find I am releasing a lot of anger. The  volume and rhythm increase- fasterlouder, fasterlouder, FASTER/LOUDER, FASTER/LOUDER.FASTERLOUDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I wonder when to stop drumming. Sometimes I wonder if there ever will be an end; a place from which we can both look back and say "Now it is really over".

Peace and love,
Mike