Tired Out, Ain't It?

The title says it all; what else can I say? Work has been hectic the past two days and my feet ache, even with the numbness. Maybe I need new work boots or cushion insoles? Or maybe I need time off...? My sleep has been deeper of late but still falls short of what I need. Because of the sap run we are on the go from dark till dark. Tonight we took the evening off, figuring that maybe the sap didn't run so well today. After a morning low of 5 degrees, the high for the day was 28. We're hoping we didn't screw up by not going out tonight. I am thankful for the night off.

Everyone asks how I am doing and I tell them I am doing pretty well and that is the truth, for the most part. Sometimes I answer with the real truth but usually we manage to co-habit the middle ground of politeness and vague replies. My face is finally getting a little thinner and Karen says the acne on my back has improved. My appetite seems to have dropped off a bit and that is really good news. But my energy and stamina lag behind. Nights like tonight when I am beat, thin me out emotionally and the little things that Karen does, or says, to take care of me, bring me close to tears. I know that sometimes the tears that don't fall cause the aches behind my eyes.

It isn't just the physical things that get me down. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with things that I thought should have been done. If I am not feeling overwhelmed, I feel lost and adrift. Maybe it's a bit of mild depression, maybe it's spring fever but my ambition and the ability to focus on tasks, has taken a hike. During my chemo phase I used to lie awake at night, planning various things that I was going to do and now I can't remember what they were and when I do remember, I don't care anymore. Big ambitions for the summer party? Gone. Building new canoe packs? Gone. And it's not things like that either. I can't seem to remember to call the ostomy people to ask for advice on different bags or belts. I am not journaling enough and the old spectre of writing (with a capital W) keeps showing up and I keep avoiding eye contact with this familiar ghost of past ambitions. There are other ghosts too. I keep fighting the old urge to run; to take up my pack and hit the trail to outrun my past, to run until I can't anymore. I must be worn down because I haven't had that urge in years.

I know, and plenty of people are telling me, that I have to be patient but I have been a patient long enough and want to be fully recovered right now, thank you very much. But my body and my energy level keep reminding me that recovery isn't going to happen overnight. I would rant and kick and scream over the delay but I just don't have the energy right now. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to plant myself on the couch and do nothing and try to call that good for now.

Peace and love to you all,
Mike