A Bloody Mary and Three Days Off...

I am tired of getting up early in the morning. I got up at 5:30 for the past twelve mornings and this morning was my first day off. The prospect of a three day weekend with no real hard and fast goals is a wonderful thing to contemplate. It is not unusual for me to be overwhelmed by the idea of unstructured time; so many possibilities out there- the things I want to do and the things I should do and a limited amount of time and energy. Today this is not a problem. I just won't go there.

After Karen left for work I took my time and made a breakfast of fried potatoes and onions, with lots of salt and pepper. I have been craving this for almost a week. Most mornings I have cereal and toast with my coffee and leave for work nearly as hungry as when I rolled out of bed. This morning I finally had the feeling of being full. Then I made a quick trip to the store for a few groceries and lots of tonic water. It might be a long hot weekend.

Even though the temp will be in the 80's today, we have a breeze and I decided to chance it and make bread. Hopefully, by the time the bread is out of the oven, the house will not be too hot. The beaded fringe on the bottom of the Roman shades in the living room rattles as the breeze moves the shades in and out.

Making bread is often a labor of joy and therefore, I guess, not a labor at all, but something whose creation brings me joy. I am not sure where the transition came in today but I think I am glad something changed. Before I left for town I found myself planning my own eulogy in my head.  I am surprised that I am even admitting this. I still don't know why my mind turned that direction, but it did. I find I have little control over  my mind, but I am working to change that every day. I think I will write the eulogy, but later. It is going to be quite good, a real tear-jerker. Pity I won't be there to hear it.

Like I started to say, something changed and when I arrived home I had two goals; a Bloody Mary and a batch of bread. The Bloody Mary is gone now, replaced by a large glass of water and the bread is rising. I hope the bread turns out as well as the drink. For a while this winter I lost my touch and the bread Ibaked resembled doorstops more than edible loaves. Then I boiled up some fusilli, to make a cold pasta salad. In summer I miss the pasta salad my mom used to make. I try in vain to create it in my own version and get something I like but without the remembered comfort factor of mom's touch. My sister Zoe, can make a very good fascimile of mom's salad; she may even have a recipe. I just know I am going to have some kind of pasta salad on this holiday weekend.

I guess that's all I really need to know.  Tonight Karen and I have been invited to have dinner with Ron and Terry and I am going to have pasta salad sometime and that's it. That is the extent of our plans. Well, at least as far as I know. I have asked to paddle Lake X, out in the Chippewa. Lake X was the bluebill lake of our duck hunting dreams years ago. It is wild and undeveloped and may even have walleyes in it. I really don't care; I just need to feed my wildness and move a canoe through the water.

This week is the first time in weeks that my hips and knees haven't been painful. Well, not quite. They hurt a little bit but nothing like they did even a couple weeks ago.  I find I am feeling more loose, more flexible and when I get out of the car or rise from a chair after sitting awhile, I don't look hobble for as long before I am able to straighten up and stay right. Seems like a small thing but it means a lot to me. I want so badly to, at least, catch up to where I was before cancer, in terms of energy and strength. I will be receiving a new support belt this week. I ordered a bright colored version of Spandex; something that will dry better after swimming and look more attractive when my shirt is off. Basic black and basic white can only take one so far in life.

I called down to Roger Maris Cancer Center this week and asked Kim, Dr. Gross' nurse, how long I should take alpha lipoic acid. He suggested it as something to help me recover from the numbness I have as a result of my last chemotherapy. So I had been taking 600 mg 2x/day for almost a month and wondered how long I was supposed to keep on. Not long after my last visit there, the numbness reached my hands and fingers. The answer to how long, is three months. I went to Sunrise Foods and ordered enough to take me to my July visit with the Dr. The people at Sunrise also suggested rubbing my feet and hands with St. John's Wort Oil. So I am trying that as well. Some people use a version of St. John's Wort to counteract mild depression. I figure even if the numbness doesn't go away, at least my hands and feet won't be bummed about it.

Making the decision to not have the big party to celebrate my beating cancer again, was a difficult decision to make. I felt like I let a lot of people down but I also felt immediate relief by removing the stress of planning and putting together the blowout of the century. I got some nice words of support from friends; words that came at a good time. I want to thank Sue, Brad and George and my daughter Meredith who said I need to quit being so apologetic. (I'm sorry, really I am).

That's what's going on in my life. A little progress every day. I struggle at times to stay clean and positive in my thinking, I worry about the kids, I try not to overwhelm myself with all the 'shoulds' that wait for me. I suspect they wait for you as well. Last night I sat in the shade on our steps and played my drum; really wailed on it. I guess it was the wildness in me. Thank God I still have some. When Karen came home from a very victorious day at work we had payday pizza for supper. Later, before we were too tired, we made love. As our friend Muriel would say, life is good.

And life is still good today. The bread is rising in the loaf pans, the pasta is chilling and the only thing I have to do is continue to get better. Enjoy your holiday weekend. Spend time together, enjoy each other and take a moment to reflect on the meaning of the holiday. Love and peace to you all.
Mike