This ... and a Change in Plans

I am aware that a lot of time has passed since we had a new entry on the blog. Without the day-to-day intensity of actually fighting cancer, the impetus for regular entries has diminished. Still, I do think of blog and entries to make as time allows. Of course, I have just as many hours in the day as the rest of you but lately I have been managing my time in ways that puts the blog on the back burner.

What has occupied my time? I looked back in my journal to see what I recorded and I find large gaps there as well. What I do have are comments on the weather-lots of rain, and the gradual coming of spring. The first thunderstorm of the season left me without power for nearly three hours one evening and after I wrote a letter to an old friend in Washington, I reminesced about life in the tipi when Karen and I lived without electricity for nearly two years. Watching the rain fall made me glad we do not live in the tipi anymore. Rainy weather was the pits.

I spent time re-hashing the same old questions of what I am doing with my life and why I am not as content as I think I should be. Karen and I spent some time on the couch one evening trying to put words to the vague unease and discomfort we were experiencing between us.  Discussions like this can be difficult; emotions come into play and the fear of being truly honest with the one you love can put both of you on edge. We got through the evening without any harm to our relationship and probably made it even better. The next morning we got up and went to the woods to look for morels. The time we spent in the wild made us feel like our old selves again and that was wonderful.

Part of the discussion we had centered around the planned party for June 19th. When I first thought of it long ago, the idea of a party was great. I have lots of ideas that are great. But as the time gets closer the party became one more chore, a thing of work, for me to do. Even thinking of a party became stressful for me as I thought of all the things that would have to fall in place for it to happen. I found that I do not want that stress anymore and so I have decided not to have a party to celebrate coming through cancer for the second time. I apologize to those of you who may have had your hearts set on it or made special plans to attend.  Making this choice has been difficult for me because I worry that I let people down or failed myself in some way. Karen and I do have valid concerns about our neighbor and the likelihood that he would report us for disturbing the peace, after past complaints we registered about his barking dogs. I ask for your understanding and if you were planning to come up, come anyway and we can hang out.

What else?
Karen and I picked maybe three pounds of morels today. She went picking with a friend the other day and that was all it took for us to get out and find 'em on our own. Morels are so tasty. Again, the time together in the woods did wonders for us. We find such joy in being together. One night this week I went to the bedroom to read while Karen was sewing in the living room and that was not good for us. Because of our time in the tipi we feel most comfortable working together in the same room even if we are not working on the same thing.

I have rambled enough. What I thought I had together in my mind fell apart once I sat down to the computer. Sorry. Maybe next time I'll write it out first.

Peace to all of you, take care of yourselves and live your life. I am still trying to figure out mine.
Mike