A Year Ago

Yesterday it was a year ago that Mike's colonoscopy found his cancer. Today, we are one year and one day past the gut wrenching terror of that day. I was looking at my journal and thought I'd share with you what I wrote at 11:39 am on May 19th, 2009.

Nymore Beach - Lake Bemidji

A greater merganser floats on the choppy gray lake. A bologna sandwich sits next to me on the seat baking in the sun. I am tired. I've started telling people, started saying cancer out loud, started getting "the hug" from people. It's so freaking surreal. I'm numb, I think. There's something under the surface. I'm sick to my stomach and bone tired. This is what tells me there is something underneath, but mostly I'm numb.

I want this day to be normal. I want it to be a regular day because tomorrow a lot will change, everything will change but really everything has changed because of what we know.

And then I quit writing in my journal.

My journal became this blog and it was here I poured out my thoughts and frustrations. This is where I wrote my pain and anguish over what was happening to Mike and us. I haven't gone back to look at our posts. I don't think I am far enough away from it all yet to do that. Our life has resumed a more normal pattern, a new normal, never to go back to the way it was a year and one day ago....before we knew about cancer. I'm not ready to go back and look at where we were. I'm just glad to be here - a full year away from all that.

Today, I spent part of the morning and most of the afternoon in the woods with my friend Karen Gurney. I took her to "the river." We sat and talked. We ate lunch. We laughed. We let the woods, the water and the sun heal us. It was good. Life is good, my life is good.

Tomorrow we head to the Emerald City (Minneapolis for those of you who are new followers). We are not going for any doctors appointments! We aren't even going near the medical center and the thought of it thrills me! I'm going to the International Quilt Market where I will take a couple of classes on finance and inventory control and then I will shop for new merchandise for my new place of employment. Mike is going to spend some time with his daughter. We are reclaiming our life and it feels good. Cancer no longer monopolizes our life and for that we are thankful.

Peace,

Karen