We walked the walk

If you have been wondering how the Relay for Life went and you have been waiting patiently, I apologize for the delay. No excuses really. I just got up the next morning, went to work and life was full speed ahead once more. Tonight I have the time because I am sick; too sick to do anything but huddle under a blanket on the couch and shiver.

We had a long day at Relay for Life. We arrived about 11:30 in the morning and got home about 12:30 the next morning. I don't know why the organizers of these events want them to be marathons. If you are a survivor or caregiver, you have already been through enough. What good does it do anyone to stay up till midnight? The luminary walk began around 9 pm. A part of that ceremony was dedicated to the caregivers, in my case Karen.  Emotionally we had done pretty well till then. About halfway through that lap Karen began sobbing and we sat down on a bench and I held her. We never really had closure when my chemo was done and I called off the celebration party so there had never been a time where we could look back and say "There. We're done. We survived." I guess that finally, in the warm glow of hundreds of candles burning in luminaries, Karen was able to let go. I fully expected to be all tears and snot throughout the day and I choked back a few sobs from time to time. At first I was a bit surprised at Karen's reaction but when I look back at all she went through I am glad she had tears to shed. I think we both have many more tears deep inside.

Because rain was in the forecast the event was held in the Commercial Arts building at the fairgrounds. We did have hard showers in the evening so I guess that was ok. Still, the walking would have been easier on our feet and legs if we had not been going around and around on concrete. I was surprised at all the work that goes into putting on a Relay.  There must have been around 20 teams, with unique booths, t-shirts, and gimmicks to get you to hand over more money. Everything cost money but all the proceeds go to the American Cancer Association, so that is good.

Because we were inside I never did get a chance to open up and really walk like I had hoped. But that was alright. I strolled past the luminaria, reading the names of survivors and those "that survive in our hearts". I recognized too many names. I thought of Thich Nhat Hahn and his book, "Peace is Every Step" and his practice of mindful walking where each step is another prayer, another meditation. What better place to practice mindful walking than in a room full of white paper bags decorated with the names of cancer victims?  I tried for a few moments but felt like the slow car in a fast lane so I gave up and resumed strolling. Once, early in the afternoon I had to excuse myself and go outside. I needed the fresh air and the quiet. I needed a chance for the tears behind my eyes to run down my face. They never did.

This event came complete with a DJ running a sound system and video screen and the whole 9 yards. I still wonder how loud music videos help honor survivors, caregivers and victims. I guess it is a spin on celebrating that I just don't get. Kind of an odd contrast; all the noise and hullaballoo, then SCREECH! the brakes come on and we are supposed to be solemn.

That's how the Relay for Life went for us. Yesterday we had 37 degrees and light frost on the roof; didn't touch the garden though. The garden is steadily coming to fruition; more red tomatoes every day. The plants look like little Christmas trees decorated for the holidays. The last few days I have been so tired. Some of it may be left over from the Relay. I think some of it comes from the shorter daylength. Maybe it was this darn flu sneaking up on me. I do change in the fall. At supper yesterday I told Karen how I felt kind of lost and not sure what I was doing or where I should go and what am I going to do with my life.... She reminded me I go through this every year at this time and I guess I do.  I am sensitive to transitions and often have some difficulty moving on to the next step. This time of year is a big transition. This stage in my life, our life, is poised for transition whether we are ready or not. "You cannot step into the same stream twice". Life is all about change. Nothing ever stays the same.

This has been a long blog. It is late and I am tired so it must be time for bed . I hope I feel better tomorrow and I hope none of you come down this flu junk. Thanks to all you who supported us in the Relay for Life and supported us on this portage we know as cancer.

Peace and love to you all,
Mike