Polyethylene, Desitin and Propel

I have not had a tube of Desitin in my house since Stevie wore short pants. The last encounter I remember having with a tube of the sticky, white, medicinal smelling stuff involved Dan, Kris and the painting of a dark brown wicker changing table. We never did get all out of the cracks - no pun intended. Having said that, there I was today, in Walgreens purchasing a tube, for myself.

See, I'm preparing for tomorrows colonoscopy and EGD or in longer form esophagogastroduodensdope - save that one for your next scrabble game. Some unwanted and very annoying GI symptoms have triggered a "look see". So, tomorrow at 9 am I'm going to have things scoped out. Dr Roy, the same surgeon that found Mike's cancer, will be performing the procedure. He's a down to earth, good looking, in a younger Brett Favre kinda way, guy. Why him? Simple! If any man is going to go where no man has gone before, well, I want him to be good looking. Also, if I have to get any kind of disquieting news. I want the man telling me to at least be worth looking at!

Anyhow. Desitin.

There is this prep you have to go through before the "look see." Suffice to say that constipation won't be a problem for the next 24 hours and the Dr will be able to "see himself" in my most darkest recesses. To make this happen there are some little pills and a lot of fluid with polyethylene glycol  added to it. One is supposed to mix this in 64 ounces of Gatorade and 2 hours after the little pills drink a glass every 15 minutes until the end result (again no pun intended) is clear. Yup.

Here's where we need to talk about how much I like Gatorade. Not so much. I'd drink pond water first. I said this to our friends John and Sue. Sue has just gone through the same procedure, I don't know about the attractiveness of her surgeon, but I do now know Sue and John are both liars. "Oh, get Propel! It's way better than Gatorade" they both said. Pond water is better than Gatorade so what should this have told me? But, I was convinced and bought some Berry flavored Propel energy drink, dumped in my synthetic, probably petroleum based, cleansing powder and set the timer on the stove.

In 45 minutes I had four glasses down and was completely nauseated. I poured glass 5. It sat on the counter as I walked around it, up to it, away from it. I contemplated pouring it down the drain; lying to my Dr and telling him I drank it all and this is the best we could do. Instead, I drank it, gagging the whole time. I reread the instructions. It seemed to say if the other end ran clear I could stop and it seemed about to....run from the other end.

Sue was not the only person I took advice from. My sister complained about her butt. Said it burned something fierce after her prep. This I knew how to handle. On my first of MANY trips to the bathroom I applied Desitin to the soon to be affected area. I got an 'attagirl' from my friend Tammy for being proactive on this account. I note that Tammy is a friend with a special kind of fortitude. She offered to come Potty Bomb my toilet while I am at Same Day Surgery tomorrow. I declined. I like her too much.  I also, on my  sister's advice bought some aloe infused baby wipes.

It's been a couple of hours now. I've stopped drinking the Propel and now that I write the name of that drink I am sure John and Sue were fucking with me. My nausea has subsided and I have no burning in the lower unit and as they say "all's clear."

Now it's just a waiting game. Tomorrow I will know something. Today what I know is this:

1) I will never be a professional athlete or probably any kind of athlete because I can't stand sports drinks.

2) Next time I do this prep I am going to mix the polyethylene glycol in scotch.

3) Desitin is the best invention in the world and my kids should be thankful beyond belief that I used it on their little bottoms back in the day.

4) Tomorrow a potato chip will never have tasted so good.

and 5) Don't be so trusting of Sue when she is on pain meds. It brings out her mean streak.

Peace boyz and gurlz!
Karen