The Beginning- Again

Good morning.
32 degrees at 4:20 am. A thin crescent of waning moon is visible in the sky. Further to the south a planet, Venus (?) shines back, sharing the reflected light from our sun. This is one of my favorite times of day. The sharp-edged line between light and dark where the trees on the horizon are silhouetted against the brightening sky, is something that always captures my attention. I like to sit with a cup of coffee and watch the day grow. I used to do this more often but I don't have to get up so early anymore, so I don't. But when the brain turns on in the night and the words come and I can't sleep I may as well get up...

I have cancer, again, and Karen and I are going to use this blog to communicate with our friends and family; to get the word out to everyone at the same time. I think the idea is also to save time but I am one of those people who often wonders if computers, et. al., really save time but that is something to discuss with those people who think I am a Luddite. (Go to L. Uddite).

We are just in the beginning of this journey; the exploratory stages if you will and so much is unknown right now. What do we know? I have a lesion, 3-4 centimeters in diameter, in my rectum and the biopsy confirmed it as being cancerous. I had a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis yesterday to look for other cancers and we don't have the results of that yet. And I had blood drawn to look for CEA, a carcinogenic embryonic antigen, which is an indicator used to confirm colon cancer. I have not received the result of that yet, either. Of course, we want a clean CT and a low CEA.

I went through all this back in December of '91 when I had colon cancer the first time. I never wanted to go through this again. I won't say this is familiar ground but the path is not quite as mysterious as it was back then. But that is just my opinion. I hope Karen offers her view. We are both frightened by the unknown. You cannot deny that it could be worse. I am choosing to be as positive as possible and trying to stay in the present moment.

In '91 I had the feeling that cancer was punishment for something I had done and karma was settling the score. I do not have that feeling this time. My cancer is, that's all and I, we, have to do the best we can to get better. I am not interested in being angry because for me, anger is debilitating and that would run counter to the effort, and energy I need to become healthy again. Last night on NPR I heard a segment about spirituality and healing and of course, I was drawn in. Later I visited the website and read the other programs in the series. The last story will air tonight. They are put together by Barbara Bradley Hagarty and worth checking out. What I am trying to say is that...I believe in the positive. That is, I try as often as possible to believe in the positive. I wasn't always this way but I really don't want any more anger or negativity in my life, now or later. My life has never been so good. Ok, I do have cancer but still. The last few years especially, have been the best in my life. Karen and I work hard at our relationship and we reap the benefits. I have worked hard at changing the way I think about life and how I deal with the situations we all face everyday and I reap the benefits of that work. Now is not the time for me to jump up and down like a mad troll, (thanks, Homz). I have colo-rectal cancer because I come from a family with a history of cancer. And because I am a Westerner and because of my diet and maybe, maybe, because of something else, whatever that may be. I cannot change whatever I may have done or not done in the past to invite this into my life. I can only change what I do in the present moment. I can only influence the future by the behavior I exhibit, now. That is why I choose not to be angry; that is why I need to foster an atmosphere of caring and love. That is why I need positive energy in my life. So, please, don't come around Whiskey Jack Flats full of rage and anger and negativity. Bring the healing power of positive energy.

So, that's what's up in our lives right now. We will post new stuff, test results and the like and invite others; friends, family and the world at large, to join us in this journey. Right now the moon is higher in the sky and fading fast as the light grows. I see frost on the roof so I know it is cold. Winter has been long but I believe in spring. And I believe I will put the water on for coffee and sit and watch the day begin.