Someone elses life...

7:42 am

The sun has slipped behind the clouds and radarweather.gov says T-storms heading our way. Still, I'm going out to play in the dirt, be with the land, plant and shape a landscape, feel like I have a little control.

Our landscape has been in flux since Tuesday...ok, if I'm honest it's been that way for a few weeks. I knew in my gut that Mike had cancer. Don't ask me how, it's just one of those things. Still, when Dr Roy said they had found a "lesion" in Mike's rectum (a strange word) and that it was cancer, well, it was like he handed me someone elses life. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to hand the word back and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think this is mine. It must belong to the people in the next room."

I still feel that way. While I can say the word cancer I haven't owned it yet. It's like a stray dog whose owner will be around for it any second. You look at it's dog tag and call it by that name, you take care of it but you don't become attached because someone will be coming to claim it because it's not yours. Or, maybe it's more like a coat check....I dunno.

So, this word cancer hangs out with us now and it has friends too - Adenocarcinoma came the other day and after that carcinoembryonic antigen (nick name CEA) and then Oncologist, chemotherapy and radiation showed up . Cancer seems to be collecting word friends and this concerns me because it acts like it's gonna stay and have some kinda house wrecking party here.

Mike has been down this path before. For me, brand new. It's like one of those ucky portages through a bog. I hate bog portages worse than anything. I'm always afraid I'll fall all the way through and drown in the cold, dark water underneath. So, I move my feet as fast as I can to get to the solid ground and I try to remember to breathe. And that's what I'm trying to do here...keep my feet moving and breathe.

I know we will get through this and will have to take turns carrying the heavy pack, but right now...honestly...well I'd like to know how long this portage is going to be because it is not marked clearly on our map.

Karen