Walking on Thread

At 10:15 pm last night Justine and I finally got to see Mike. He's been through a lot. Six and a half hours of surgery takes a toll on a guy even if he was asleep for all of it. He was tired when I saw him, so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. He was in a good deal of pain. He said all his back muscles were burning. They have him on a PCA (patient controlled analgesia)for pain management. He was able to have ice chips which was his main focus while I was there. At 11 pm Mike asked me to go so he could sleep.

It was hard to leave him. I wanted to stay with him. Be near him. Be there if he needed me but he wanted me to go get some sleep and let him sleep. I regret going now. I've been awake since 3:30 waiting as fast as I can for morning and to go see him again.I should have stayed. I just want to be with Mike. I need to be with him. I'm still scared and sad and even though I'm surrounded by people, good people, people who love me and love Mike I feel alone.

The surgery is over and that's good. Still, there is so much looming. Many unknowns yet. There are long days ahead for both of us and we will need a great deal of strength to walk this portage. At 5 am it's hard to figure out where that strength is going to come from. I am completely exhausted yet sleep eludes me. I feel thin, precarious as if I am walking on a thread. I'm getting weary of crying or fighting tears. I'm tired and I can't sleep.

Terry and Judy will be leaving for Hudson, Wisconsin. Tammy will head back to Bemidji. Linda will remain and Justine will be here after class. I have no way of knowing what today will bring or how Mike will do. I will be at his bedside and do whatever small things I can to help him along on his recovery. I'm thankful all went well and that I had good people near me. Still, it's Mike I need and when he's ok I'll be ok. We need to be ok.

Peace,
Karen