For the first time in a year I took a look back at the blog. Not really a look, just a peek. I was curious to see where we were last year at this time. There was a picture of Mike standing naked in Newman Lake fishing. There's not much for commentary it's mostly just picture.
It's really hard to look back and a peek is all I can manage. I thought maybe I could look more, read more but the picture took me over the edge and tears just popped from my eyes without warning. It's a bit of a shock to have all that pain still so close to the surface. Most of the time I don't think about it. I barely notice the ostomy and the band Mike wears to conceal it has become the new normal for me. We have new normal in our lives and I think I'm handling it all so well and then.....
I remember the day I took that picture. I remember it was the day before he got his port. I remember how much I hated the port and the chemo pump and how guilty I felt for hating that which was saving his life. I remember that I was already mourning the impending loss of his belly; all the roller coaster emotions just pop to the surface like the tears and it's clear I am not over it. It's clear that I've just stuffed some of it and there are things I still mourn and didn't because there was only time for being brave and strong. It's clear I still have some work to do.
Today we are going to the woods with Dan and Mandi. Blueberry picking is the activity of the day. That and a stop at the Becida Tavern for burgers. I'm glad Mike is still here for this, he loves picking berries. We will continue going forward and occasionally, as I feel braver, I will look back to see how far we've come.
Peace,
Karen
2 comments:
First let me say that I miss your blogging on a more frequent basis but perhaps that is a good thing. I look at it as a sign that you and Mike are getting on with your lives, adjusting to your "new normal" as you call it and that is an accurate depiction of it for sure.
Your lives were forever changed and going forward will be different to say the least.
I can only imagine the flood of emotions that flowed as you peeked at older blogs, especially the blogs written in the very beginning of your unimaginable journey. We are all blessed that this journey ended with us keeping Mike in our lives. You no doubt feel blessed beyond your wildest dreams but the pain and anxiety of that journey will stay with you for awhile. So let it take its course as it will. Cry when you need to, scream when you need to or whack the hell out of something when you need to. Let those emotions flow from you into the universe in a fashion that works best for you.
As your "new normal" takes shape, live it fully and with no regrets. I believe that I have told you this before but in case I haven't here is my wish for you and Mike.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, throughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW....WHAT A RIDE!!
So begin your ride and share it with all of us that follow your blog, not that we should live vicariously through the two of you but rather to find within us the inspiration and courage to know that we all have a "WOW..WHAT A RIDE!!" inside us.
Peace and much love to you both,
Wind in Eye
I say a big AMEN to the post from Wind in Eye. What a fantastic thing to read and what a great set of instructions if you will, to follow as you continue your lives. I too miss the blog posts as they connect me with the two of you since I can't travel up to see you. Maybe later this fall.
Love you two! Big Bro
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