It happened to me again. Yesterday some guy got hold of my personal information and began using it against me. Before I knew it he had drug up all those things from the past that no one should have to know and began flinging them back in my face. Truly, it is a helluva way to start your day.
This isn't the first time but that doesn't make coping any easier. I mean, after a few times you begin to learn what steps to take for protection. You also learn from experience what the thief will do next; what painful thing he is going to use against you. One of the really frightening aspects of this is the predictability of the crime. Certain events trigger this theft. I often have the feeling that this whole thing is cyclical and that is really scary for me.
Probably what hurts the most is that I know the guy and I don't yet understand why he keeps doing this to me. What did I ever do to him?
Have you ever had the feeling you know what is going to happen next, or that this is going to be a difficult day? When that happens to me I know before I even open my eyes, that this guy is waiting for me. It is enough to make me swear off getting up in the morning. Or shaving. He always stares at me when I am shaving. We both know he has the upper hand and he toys with me, trying to get me to look him in the eyes but I can't.
At that point the rest of the day is a total loss for me. The thief stuffs my head with rage and doubt and hatred. He spares no one and no thing. Any one I have loved becomes a threat to my personal wellbeing. Any activity I have ever enjoyed is made worthless. Before he is done with me the thief has me ready to cast aside any one or any thing I have ever loved.
For years I was puzzled by this scenario as were the loved ones in my life. How could I change from such a caring guy into a dark, angry animal, snarling at the ones I loved the most? In the beginning it took me a long time to recover from this violation. Sometimes weeks would pass before he would disappear, leaving me something like a hangover but not from drinking too much alcohol.
After awhile I'd forget about him. When life was just beginning to get really good, Bam! he'd show up, knock me down and the whole cycle of hatred and pain would start all over again. Even though I've known the thief intimately for my whole life I just began to get a handle on his motivation for this terrible crime.He loves drama.
The thief is my pain body; that part of my ego that loves pain and drama. He feeds on the negative energy produced by pain and drama and discord. When my life is going to well the pain body gets bored and hungry and picks on me when I am not paying attention or when I am tired and feeling a bit down. That's when he strikes.
If there is any element of jealousy or resentment or frustration, no matter how small or inconsequential, he will find an opening and begin to work his dark magic against me. He is so subtle. Often he begins his work before I even know he is here. He might take two or three days setting the stage then hit me hard right between the eyes early in the morning when I am not even fully awake. His is the cruelist sort of ambush. He sits in his dark little corner of my mind, laughing his head off while I withdraw in fear and begin nursing all sorts of imagined hurts. The thief really likes it when my mind goes into default mode and I begin trying to find a way out of my pain and any way out becomes an acceptable alternative.
Over the years I have finally learned not to listen to this demon, not to take what he says or plants in my mind, as the truth. Because my pain body knows me so well, ignoring him is hard, really hard. This time it took me about half a day before I was able to push my pain body back down and regain some positive energy and balance in my life.
The pain body is like a parasite. He can survive a long, long time on very little and he never really kills his host because then he would die too. No, he just waits and feeds whenever the opportunity presents itself, filling up on as much negativity as he can hold before I discover him at work again and send him back into his hole. My goal is to feed him smaller amounts and less often; keeping him too weak to do much damage when he does appear. And when I do see his face, recognize him sooner and stuff him back down where he can't hurt me or my loved ones any longer.
In the meantime I have to make peace with the knowledge that I do have a pain body; we all do. But we don't have to let the bastard run our lives. I have already lost too much time to him in the past. So maybe from now one I'll put up a Wanted Poster to remind me what my pain body looks like and I can kick him in the ass. My reward will be a better, happier life with less pain and drama. Do yourself a favor. When you see your thief, kick his ass for me. Your life will be better it.
Peace and love to you all,
Mike
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