"I'm not prone to quitting, I'm just prone to fits of wanting to quit."
~Karen Forbes
~Karen Forbes
It's a "fall apart day" today. I'm pissed and well I don't know what or where Mike is because while I was sulking under the covers he took off in the Jeep. I'm going to guess he's out at Movil Maze walking it off.
I couldn't talk to him this morning. Couldn't tell him why I was angry, not that I don't know why it's just that he doesn't need it. He's got enough to handle without me laying a bunch of crap on him. And some of the things I'm angry about are already done and in the past, being mad about that is just irrational. It won't change anything.Being mad about what may happen in the future is worse yet since we have NO idea what that will be. Then there's the guilt for even feeling mad. Wow...this is screwed up. Help, someone pith me!
In my head, I know, I KNOW, this is a grief stage. I know that if I don't express my anger I will become bitter and depressed (and that will be of no help to Mike). I also know that my being angry is a sign that I am beginning to deal with this whole...whole....whole what? Situation? Is that what to call it? Adventure? Ordeal? Hmmmm, I'm open to what we should call this.
I think it's the helplessness of it all that really makes me mad. I don't know what to do about it...I can't fix it. I can't fix it. I don't know what to do because I can't fix it. There it is! Karen can't make it better. It's failure. It's a complete sense of failure on my part because Karen always makes it better, always fixes it. I'm the default problem solver, decision maker, handy-man and I have something that I can't fix.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure to be positive, to keep a brave face for everyone, to be as my sister-in-law said, "a rock for Mike."
I don't know how to take care of myself on this one. Maybe, I need to say how scared I am to more people. Maybe, it's that I need to say that I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know what kind of help I need. I don't know what I need from everyone who says...let me know how I can help you. I just don't know how to do this..........
Karen
4 comments:
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the five stages of grieving. These are a normal pattern to follow for anyone experiencing a trying circumstance.
None of these emotions are a sign of weakness.They are choices. You can choose to let them debilitate you into a quivering wreck or you can use the energy and focus it like a laser beam to bore your way through the situation.
A suggestion. Maybe while he's out decompressing you could make up a snack or dish that you too enjoy sharing together. Making it would help you redirect the anger you're experiencing into something positive that you could enjoy together when he returns. Maybe take it out to a favorite spot on a picnic. Tomorrow it will rain, but today it's sunny. Live for that.
Remember where I am. I will come to kidnap you if I need to.
You can do this. No one said it would be easy. But as you said yourself you have always been there to make it better for others. Now is your turn to fall down and let us take care of you. You don't have to do any of it alone so don't even go there.
I think blogging is good therapy, I'll bet you feel better already. You know, when I say, "Let me know if you need anything..." I never know what that might be either. I think it means you could call me at 3 a.m. and I wouldn't get mad...but that's always the case. Plus if you would have called Friday at 3 a.m. I would have still been awake stripping wallpaper and it would have been a welcome break. Hang in there. Hugs to you both.
Tremaine,
Thank you for your wise words yesterday. I read them when I returned from my walk. I appreciate the help and reminders. My goal is to get well and to help Karen through someplace she has not been before. I think I experienced the fears and doubts the first time I had cancer and Karen is dealing with them for the first time. Today is better. We have talked and played and laughed. The sun is always out, somewhere.
Mike
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