Just say, "IT SUCKS"

If I had my say I'd stay under the covers today and pull Mike in with me. We'd talk, play scrabble, order in pizza. Maybe, watch a funny movie on Netflix and talk about getting outside and going for a walk but never get around to implementing the idea. But that's not going to happen today. I'm already out of bed and Mike's gone to work. I just like the idea of it. I like the idea of hiding.

Yesterday was a tough day for me and I can't exactly finger why. Maybe just a composite of a bunch of things? Maybe, as we are moving towards imminent treatment and the side effects and more life changes, maybe, it just feels more real?

Personally, I've taken a two week break from acceptance. It's been a nice vacation on the river denial. Yesterday and today it feels like "vacation letdown." You know what I'm talking about. You've been away from it all for a few weeks. Sun, beach, water, fresh air. Then it's time to head for home and you start dragging your feet. If you are Mike and Karen you head for home by first going in the opposite direction. It's kind of our way of prolonging re-entry. It's like ascending from the deep slowly so as not to get the bends. So, you finally head home and as you get closer your belly starts to ache as you think about all the things which will need doing. You start wondering what went wrong while you were away and how much work has piled onto your desk. You pull in the drive and the garage door won't go up, something died in your fridge, the dogs ate their dog house and nobody watered your house plants. The phone is blinking and there are a zillion messages to be answered; half too late to do anything about and the rest need tending to in the next few days. Argh, why'd you even leave in the first place?

Vacation letdown, aka vacation punishment.

Well, here I am on the other side of vacation and feeling a little....what? There's so many emotions all tangled up I can't separate them into individual items. If I could I would and then I could deal with them one by one. I tried to talk about what I was feeling yesterday but I think since I can't be clear in my head about what I'm feeling I can't be clear with my words and that makes it difficult for others to help me.

I know my thinking right now is not rational. I've got a lot of emotion in the way. I understand the difference between rational and emotional thinking. I can even watch it going on in my head. But I'm stuck in EMO mode right now and if I can't get past that, if I can't let it out and get it out of the way, I can't get to rational! It's frustrating to tears.

Yesterday, I cried my way to work. I don't know where it came from. I'm not a crier. My motto used to be "Die before Cry." But there I was stopped in road construction crying. I was thin and afraid yesterday. I needed comfort but I'm not sure what kind of comfort. It might have been the kind where someone just listens and says, "God, Karen, that sucks. It's not fair. You have every right to be ______________ (whatever that emotion was). Instead, I heard: settle down, it could be worse, you'll get through this, it's not that big of a deal, you need to focus, think about something else, you'll still have Mike in the end...(the end of what?)

Well, no shit! It doesn't take a fucking genius to know that. Yeah, I'll have Mike when it's all done but we are walking through hell to get to that part. And I don't want sunshine blown up my skirt. I don't want people telling me that we are lucky because I don't feel lucky. I don't want to be told how I should think about this, I KNOW how I should think about it. I know that nobody has said the word terminal and that LOTS of people have cancer and live with it and act like it's no big deal. And maybe we'll get to that point too but right now it's a big fucking deal. And it sucks and I want someone who doesn't feel compelled to fix this right now to tell me....God Karen, that sucks.

Peace,
Karen