Today is the day we've been waiting for since May 18th. We begin to actively fight Mike's cancer. I think Mike has more to do with it than me I'm just a kind of pit crew standing by with my torque wrench and grease. Still, today is the day. Mike is pretty excited. Me, not so much.
I know, weird huh? It's hard to explain. I, myself, can't quite finger it. I feel a sense of trepidation.We are about to make him sick to make him better and I don't know exactly how sick (nobody can say). We are going to be living cancer for 24/7 for the next 5 1/2 weeks. I'm not excited about that. Up until now there have been times when it was almost easy to forget it, especially these last two weeks. It was easy to pretend we were "normal." But on Friday Mike got three little tattoos - one on each hip and one low on his back just above his tailbone. In time I may forget they are there; become accustomed to them. Right now I know they are there. I know his body well enough that I see them and they remind me that cancer is with us.
On Monday Mike got his port put in and every time he takes off his shirt cancer is right there below his left collar bone. Of special note: the port is in my spot! This especially irritates me. It's been placed right where I nestle my head on Mike's shoulder. Damn cancer.
Today, Mike gets his pump or as our friend Becca calls it his Porta Chemo. She thinks 24/7 chemo is cruel and I think so too. However, I can't think of it as being cruel to Mike. I need to think of it as being cruel to the cancer. The cancer is cruel to Mike.
This pump will be with us 24/7. It will be hooked up to his port to deliver a continuous metered dose of 5FU (5 Fuck You????) to injure the cancer cells and make them more susceptible to the radiation and shrink the tumor for better surgical outcome. Yay, right? Ok, if you say so. It's just seems like another invasion. This pump is going to be living with us for a month and a half. It's going to be like having a baby and we are too old for babies! This pump will go everywhere with us, with Mike. It will be at dinner every day. It will watch movies with us, garden with us, shower with us and jeez it will go to bed with us and I mean that in all senses of the term "go to bed" with us! That ought to be interesting. Old people sex is hard enough what with bad backs and leg cramps now we'll have a little black box and IV tubing to deal with. Stay tuned for updates on that!
The pump will be a 24/7 reminder of cancer. Yuck. So, it's not very exciting for me to think about all this starting today. I'll be excited when someone says the tumor is responding to treatment. I'll be excited if Mike doesn't get mouth sores, if he doesn't get sick, if he doesn't dehydrate, if this all goes well. If it doesn't, I'll just hate the cancer and it's imposition on our lives and I'll do my best to be there for Mike; to take care of him as best I can because that is all I can do. I can't fight this for him. I can't fix this and that's my frustration all along.
My friend Karen G took me to lunch yesterday. She's been on both sides of this cancer gig. She says it's way easier to be the person with the cancer than the loved one of someone who has it. She's right...this is way damned hard.
Peace,
Karen
3 comments:
I'm glad to see that we are finally getting this wagon train on the road.
In the mean time, don't forget about the rest of the team. We're all here for ya in whatever way we can be.
Okay, so reading this makes me thing, I know dangerous, that since this pump is going to be such a part of your lives, it needs a name. So you need to decide if this is Mike buddy in war, "I've got your back." Maybe a heroic name, the name of a mighty worrer. Or, is this the enemy and you want to demean and minimalize it. Then maybe you want a whimpy name. Then ,if it is a child maybe a friendly child like name. Just saying!
It really sucks that they had to put it in "your spot". How damn rude is that? Just when you need that spot so much. Well, I guess it's time to find another spot, just for a temporary gig, of course.
Love you both! Mike, Charge!!!!!!!!!
Marchwind,
The pump is just one of those things that comes with the territory. At least that is how I look at it but then, being the patient is different..
I think I will just think of the pump as my 'Medicine Bag' because that is what it does and in the long run, it will be a source of strength for me. The actual bag that contains the pump is too small for my charms so maybe we will make a medicine bag that holds my secret things. We'll see..
Thanks for your love and notes and concerns, take care of yourself too.
Love
Mike
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