Years ago Jeff, Mark and I were hunting ducks on a small lake. The morning was beautiful and we had our usual minimalist decoy setup. We have enough decoys to darken the whole body of water but rarely go to that extreme. We weren't getting much shooting because all the ducks that came on the lake went to a brother waterfowler, who had all the decoys in the known world, out in front of him. He got a lot of shooting and after a while he came over and invited us to sit with him because he knew he we weren't getting any ducks to look at our spread. "After all" he said "it's a numbers game."
Yesterday Karen and I spent time trying to get to the root of the tension between us. Karen said she felt 'apart' from me the past two weeks. She's right; I have had a lot on my mind. The nagging butt pain certainly focused my mind on other things. Plus I have been thinking about what I need to know about ostomies, and what has to be done around the house while I feel good, and, and, ... The list could be very long and my mind was full.
Karen felt lost because I was directing my attention to things instead of time and all she wants, all she needs, is time together. Especially now, when we are in a kind of honeymoon till the surgery. "Do you think I am coming back here if you die? I want time together, with you."
Whoa. Guilty as charged. I have been too focused on the wrong things. But, the elephant in the room, the thing we have both avoided even though it is filling up our minds, is the D word. What if I die? What if the treatment isn't working, or the cancer has moved and grown, or what if this terrible disease takes my life? What then?
You can't not think of dying when you have cancer. The thought will come into your head and what you choose to do with the thought makes a difference. We talked and cried, we shared our fears. We got naked and cried more and got through it; this time. The literature you receive as a cancer patient is full of numbers and statistics citing the numbers of new cases every year while pointing out the relatively low numbers of deaths from cancer. The whole thing is supposed to make you feel hopeful.
Karen and I both know these things: This is my second cancer. My family has a lot of cancer. Bums make a point of walking across a busy street to ask me for money. And someone has to die from cancer. Everyone who reads the literature wants to be the one who survives. No one wants to take one for the team. "Fuck the team! I want to live!" The nurses and doctors all paint hopeful pictures and hope is good. Hope is necessary. Hope is what we are clinging to while we are busy trying to shove the elephant back out the door. Hope is not a numbers game.
Peace,
Mike
7 comments:
I don't know if you listened to Talk of the Nation today, but it was about just this thing, whoa spooky. Anyway, you may want to take a listen to the show it was very interesting and they talked about much of what you and Karen are saying. I suppose with the death of Kennedy from his cancer there will be much more of this sort of thing out there, for awhile anyway.
I'm glad you talked about this and you both got through it for now.
Hugs and love to both of you, Susan
Mike,
Your painful honesty brings tears to my eyes, as well as open them to the more important things in life. I consider you and Karen's friendship such a gift, and hope you know that we are with you every step of the way.
You're an inspiration,
Tammy
Susan,
Sorry I missed the program. I am sure it would have been good. Maybe I can get an archived version. Thanks for your support. We are dealing with such a difficult thing and continue to hope the elephant goes somewhere else and stays away forever.
Love to you too,
Mike
Tammy,
I guess I will take your tears as a compliment. Karen and I value your friendship as well and we do know you are with us.
Peace,
Mike
I fully understand your reasons for wanting to know all the ins and out of what is going on and probably wanting to spare Karen of all the nasty details, however, she is in this with you 100% and I know she feels left out. I'll bet the air around you 2 was thicker than the elephants skin. Good to know that things were cussed and discussed and the air is clear again. Now you can move forward together in the same harness and enjoy yourselves fully until surgery time.
We will keep you in our prayers down here!
Big Bro and Judy
You two are amazing. Anyone who can get naked and cry together with their spouse has got some good going on deep down.
If I were closer I'd hop on my bike and bring you some dangerous pastry, it seems to make everything better.
Love, B
Just wanted to step in out from the shadows to say how meaningful your writing has been to me and my entire family. I have sent links to your blog to my daughter - a physician -and my son-in-law - a third year medical student - so that they will share a better understanding of what you are feeling and what you are both going through.
Please know that your honesty and your insight has made an impact in the lives of these physicians -and hopefully -they will be better able to meet the needs of the people they care for as a result of it - and like a pebble in a pond, the ripples will continue to widen and glitter and glisten and shine as reach to the shores.
Wishing you strength and miracles and hope and acceptance and peace for whatever lies ahead,
Susan and Steve Stark
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