Sorry, it's about my 'Bad Head'

Today I am broken.

Days like this used to fill my life for days and weeks on end; for months and I have to believe, for several years as well. My head aches and my eyes ache with tears that won't fall and I want to run, but where? I can't get away from myself. I know because I used to try.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this way.  I suppose I could find out by perusing a past journal. More likely, Karen might remember but I can't. And that is a good thing. I used to call this 'bad head'; not very original but certainly apt. Today I am just trying to outlast this feeling; just trying to keep it from digging in to stay because I know that my life doesn't have to be this way. Karen showed me this and is trying so very hard to help. My heart breaks because I can't even tell her what is wrong. Words fail and I feel so stupid because I should be able to say what is wrong; should be able to put it out there so we can fix it.  I want that feeling. I need that feeling. O, I need that feeling more than I can say.

Few things in my life are, or have been, more frustrating than days like this. Today I am afraid of having that devil, depression, coming back into my life; like I need more bad shit. I remember back when I had to deal with this all the time and telling someone that having had both cancer and depression, I found cancer easier to deal with because at least you can find the tumor and treat it with drugs and surgery; you can do something about it. I know there are drugs to help combat depression but I do not want to return there. My seizure two years ago from my 'head med' was quite enough, thank you.

Maybe I am just too tired.  The neighborhood dogs were busy a lot this past week. I finally went in to the law enforcement center one morning and told a very nice deputy, that I couldn't do this anymore; couldn't go on and on without sleep because some people let their dogs bark and bark and bark. Just so you know, I am biting my tongue here. All kinds of cruel and nasty epithets come to mind along with the very real desire I had one night to load the shotgun, walk over to those dogs and blow the fuckers away. Anything, if I could just get some sleep. I now understand the effectiveness of sleep deprivation as a torture technique. The deputy was attentive, offered some support and a plan and I didn't break down but I wanted to. And the local animal control person has been helping too.  The past two nights have been more quiet but I think the owners are just trying to placate us in the short term. At five this morning one of the dogs barked but only for a very little while: not long enough for a willing deputy to find the offender. Another dog barked too but he sounded like he was in a garage. Ah, there's no end to the sneakiness out there. Still, we do have improvement and a good chance for continuing this trend.

Tired, what else? I still have things on my mind. Karen and I are going to sit down and compare our respective lists. Maybe we will take Susan's suggestion and try to get a work day organized.  I have a difficult time with that. I do not like asking for help though I can't really say why. I do know that often, just talking helps me air out whatever is bothering me. Today speaking hasn't been working too well. Journaling helped and I guess, venting on the blog is working; sort of. That is, I hope this is working. I guess I may be taking your indulgence for granted. I need to tell you this is difficult for me.  Being able to be honest enough to say these things is kind of scary in its' own right. People have said they appreciate the honesty Karen and I are bringing to this blog. I hope I haven't overdone the honesty bit today.

Earlier this afternoon I gave in to Karen's repeated suggestion and took one of my pain meds for my headache. I really didn't think it would improve my situation but I do feel slightly better. At least, I can smile a bit now.  Yesterday I found myself whistling for no other reason than I felt good and today... ? I don't get it and I may never really understand what goes on in my head or why. But I do know I feel better and I thank you for listening. Maybe now the tears will come and I can get on with having a better day.

Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers and thoughts. Thanks to Karen, too. Without her, I wouldn't be here.
Peace and love,
Mike