We need to talk. Mike and I need to work our way through this and talking is the key but how can you talk when you don't even know what to say? I have some big unnameable feeling that I can't find the words for. It feels hollow and empty yet, there is something big lurking in all that hollowness. It feels like all my contents have been emptied out and are lying there on the floor and I'm just too tired or maybe apathetic to bend over and start putting them back. I keep kicking them with my toe; nothing seems worth picking up.
We need to talk but how do you start the conversation? How do you start talking about how to make a decision like taking your whole colon out of your body? How do you talk about the risk of leaving it in? How do you decide to try for a resection vs just going for the full Monty? How or, better yet, why do we have to have the conversation of future cancer? It's all so much, too much.
Yesterday I found myself becoming angry at an old guy at a coffee shop who looked old but healthy. Why him? I don't know his story, I get that, but I want that for Mike and I want it for me. I don't really want a hole in his side with a bag attached and fecal material oozing forth. I don't want that at all. I don't want him to have a resection that could potentially impair his bowel control either. I don't want to think about how the surgery, regardless of what we decide to do causing impaired urinary function and or sexual dysfunction. How do you think about this? Seriously? How do you make this decision?
How do you know there is a break in a genitic code which puts him at higer risk for recurring cancer and then think there are any other options besides taking his colon?
It's so much. It's too much. In the end my goal is to have Mike. That is the only thing I know. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of having to think about this cancer. I can't think. I can't process and I can't fix it. I can't fix Mike and I hate that.
I need to pick myself up here soon and keep my feet moving. I need to do this for Mike. I need to be there for him and I need to be strong and brave for him. I'm sure I'll find that, I just hope it's soon. Right now, it all just seems too hard.
Peace,
Karen
4 comments:
“In the end my goal is to have Mike. That is the only thing I know.”
It is a good thing to know, Karen. Hold tight to it. Hold tight to each other.
Love and prayers for you both. . .
right hand around left shoulder, left hand around right shoulder and squeeze. It is a hug from me. Cry, kick a soft object, punch pillows, scream in the shower and melt to the floor in a puddle till the water turns cold. All of these things help some, I know. then get down and pray for God to take over. Put it in his hands and the right decision will come. Ask to speak to people who have the bag and see what their quality of life is now. Bag vs more cancer and losing Mike after more chemo and pain? You will both make the right decision. I believe in you! Joan
Breathe in, breathe out....the only "right" decision is the one that works for you and Mike.
I'm only a mile away if you need me.....
Knits with Arrows
Sometimes all one can do is to go beyond the words to a place where the answers come on their own. Hold tight to each other, find a place on the river... under a tree... sitting on a rock... and just be present. Listen with your heart, not your head and the two of you will know what is to be done. The wisdom is there, trust it. Karen
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