Never say Whatever

Today, I need a miracle. Mike has made his decision and I'll let him share that with you. What I will share is how completely exhausted and scared I am. I'm ok with what course Mike wants to take. I need to say that. I want for him, what he can live with and what will give him the most piece of mind. What he can live with I can live with. I'm glad the deciding is done and we can move forward. We need to move forward.

Still, no matter what surgical option he/we chose there is still a high risk of  imparment or loss of urinary and or sexual function. This is what hit home last night as we lay in bed. It breaks my heart to even consider we would have making love taken by this cancer. How much do we have to loose?  How will we deal with that? How have we dealt with all this so far? When is enough...enough?

I'm tired. I need a break, we need a break. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in Mike's shoes; what it must be like inside him. He's dealing with his own stuff and watching me, trying to help me deal with my stuff. (and lately I suck at that - dealing with my stuff) He's being so brave right now and I admire him for that. He finds ways to smile and breathe. All things I can't find in myself right now. I have envy.

Yesterday, we met with Dr Roy for a consult. Dr Roy repeated everything we had heard before. Roy is a kind, empathetic man and I think it bothered him to not be able to give us what we wanted to hear. We left the clinic no further ahead, no closer to a decision, or rather Mike no closer. From the armchair it's easy for me to say what I'd do; I'm not down on the field getting dirty and beat up.

For the past several days I've been impatiently trying to pry a decision out of Mike. Not helping but hindering the problem in doing so. In the parking lot I tried one more time to elicit an answer without any luck. I left Mike standing alongside the car as I  drove away in anger. What I wanted from Mike was an answer. An answer so that I can grieve it and move on. Move on so that I can be ready and strong for him. So I can educate myself and prepare for the days ahead and be a good wife, a strong wife, his rock.

Instead, I got nothing and got nowhere except stuck. I carried the anger around all day and drug it home with me. Over dinner Mike called me on it, we had the conversation, the decision was made and then I was stupid. Stupid came rolling out of my mouth and sounded like this:  "Whatever"   I'm talking about his life. I'm talking about the hardest decision he'll ever make. I'm talking about our future, HIS future and I say, "whatever". As if he isn't hurting enough. He comes to the one soft place he has, throws out his heart and I selfishly dismiss it.

I understand my own pain, I get that I'm tired and stressed - my job right now, garden stuff that still needs taking care of, appointments, the house etc. I understand some dumb things will get said but why did it have to come from my mouth? I am so sorry I said it. Mike talked to me later and told me how much that had hurt. I apologized and tried to take it back but it went out there into the universe and I can't take it back, but I bet I get it back someday - the universe has a perverse sense of humor.

We are down to counting days now. Days till our world changes. I'm looking forward to the cancer being gone and moving on. I believe they will get the cancer, nobody has indicated they wouldn't. I want the surgery to go off without a hitch. I want there to be no complications. I need this, Mike needs this. We need this small miracle. This all needs to stop...it just needs to stop. We just need a miracle.

Peace,

Karen