5:00 am and I answer the phone. "Hello, this is Anita from the response center. You have a Zone 1 malfunction at the Bemidji Wastewater Treatment Plant." She apologized for getting me out of bed so early and hung up. The days keep coming even when you aren't ready to face them.
Lately our days have been too full of anxious indecision. Most of that is due to me. For me, there were too many choices and none of them looked inviting. In the end, (no pun intended) I went with my gut, (again, no pun intended) and made the choice to avoid having colon cancer ever again. Today I called Kelly, the Clincal Nurse Specialist who works with Dr. Madoff and told her I wanted my colon removed. I chose the permanent ileostomy because I never want to go through colon cancer again. I know with my family history and the presence of Lynch Syndrome, I may still have the opportunity to get a different cancer. But I am taking this risk now, to avoid the possibility of something worse, later.
There are so many ways to argue this; back and forth, pro and con. I feel I have been through all of them by myself, and with help, for the past week and it has been hell. Enough is enough. I had to make a choice. Waiting was killing us and we were running out of time. It has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done and I am not happy about the process. I don't feel there is anything to be happy about, yet. I know I will come out of surgery alive. I have a job and insurance. And most of all I have a lovely wife. I am thankful for all those things. It is just that the available choices made me think of a condemned man waiting for the firing squad. "Hey" the captain asks, "do you want to get shot at dawn or wait till noon?"
So, that's that. Today I feel beat up and my eyes ache with tears and we go on.
O, one very important thing before I go tonight. I called home this morning as Karen was getting ready for work. She said she was curling her hair and putting on makeup because some people had come into the store and told her she was looking terrible.! Can you believe that! My lovely wife is going through hell and someone is thoughtful enough to tell her she looks terrible. How can that possibly be helpful? How can anyone be that stupid? The whole thing just pisses me off! I bet that whoever said that is the kind of person that steals candy from kids at Halloween. I don't even know why I am telling you about this because I bet that person can't even read. I don't ever, repeat ever, want to hear that kind of crap from anyone or I will put my foot so far up your ass you will have to untie my boot to swallow! Got that?
There; that's my mindful Buddhist thought for the day.
We have a direction now and can start moving our feet again. Life will be different but we will still have life.
Peace and love to all of you except for the idiots that insult my wife,
Mike
2 comments:
I like your style tonight Mike. I never understand comments like that but for the past month or more our secretary keeps telling me I look tired and run down and then she reminds those around us that I have little kids. (Yes, I have little kids that sleep 12 hours straight). Ugh. I got my haircut and started wearing lipstick to get her to quit.
Glad you have made a decision. We love you (and your wife:)).
Becca
I call it being between a rock and a hard place decision. No easy way to decide. Just a bunch of gut wrenching thoughts until you finally have to pick one. At times it might have felt easier to just put all the choices on a wall and which ever one the dart hit would be the decision. I believe that your decision will serve you well.
As far as the comment about Karen. I have one thing to say about that person. You mess with my family and I will f#$%#*@ kill you. That is my non Buddist thought for the day.
I love you both!
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