DIY- Home Ostomy

Yep, that's right. I am going to explain how you too, can have your own ostomy experience. Maybe you're wondering where in the hell this came from? Has Forbes lost his freakin' mind?  Well, kinda, I guess. Some of the impetus for this came from conversation Karen and I had last night. Lots of people ask how I am doing with my ostomy but as Karen pointed out, I have never really addressed the issue; I have never really talked about what it is like living with an ostomy. And some of it is prompted by a line from yesterday's journal entry: "Will I ever get used to squeezing my warm shit out of bag stuck to my belly?"

Would you?

So, when I wasn't sleeping last night I thought of how 'normal' people like yourselves, can get a feel for dealing with ostomy, day in and day out. Chances are you probably have most of what you need for your own ostomy at home. I would recommend a trip to your local grocery where you should stock up on lots and lots and lots of those little pudding packs.  You will probably want chocolate and fudge varieties and maybe butterscotch, if you want something that looks like your poo when you have the shits. You may also want to get a bit of double-stick tape.

First, you will have to make your ostomy bag. For some reason these are often referred to as 'an appliance' but that's just med-speak.  Start with a quart size Ziplock type baggie. Lay it flat and trace a circle about 2 to 3 inches in diameter down in one corner of the bag. You may want to use a glass as a template. Get this circle close to both the horizontal and vertical edges.  Then, using a quarter, trace a 1 inch circle in the middle of the larger circle and cut out this smaller circle. This will be the opening for your ostomy.

Now take off all your clothes and make a mark on your belly about 2 inches to the right of, and 2 inches below your navel. This is the site of your ostomy. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. It will be the last time you see yourself with a normal body.  Now, take the double-stick tape and apply it within the large circle on your ostomy bag. Be sure you do not cover up the 1 inch opening. When your are done with the double-stick tape center the small opening over the mark you made on your belly and stick the bag to your skin. Did I forget to mention that you may need to shave your belly first? Sorry.

You want to create a pudding-tight seal so you will have to add some tape around the baggy.You may need some help here. If you used a glass for a template I think I would place the glass inside the baggy, over the larger circle, and apply tape to the baggy around the glass. When you think you have it good and snug, remove the glass from the baggy.  In real life, an ostomy bag has a thick vinyl flange with a strong adhesive that sticks to your skin. The opening for the ostomy is cut with a scissors and a paste, similar to caulking, is applied to make sure the bag does not leak feces or gas.

Look in the mirror again. Do you feel a bit ridiculous with a baggy stuck to your side? Do you think you are sexy and attractive? Wait till the damn thing is full.

Ok, now here is the fun part; filling your bag with poo.  Open the ziplock edge and put about 1 1/2 cups of pudding in the baggy, without getting any in the ziplock seal, and shut the bag. Now get dressed. Underwear, t-shirt, shirt, pants. With any luck at all, you will find your ostomy is right at your waistline. You may find it a challenge to make your pants fit. Now, bend over and put on your socks and shoes. Anything in the way?  Hmmm. This part must be like the early stages of pregnancy

Go about your normal daily activities with your full ostomy. You may find the tape pulling and itching. After a couple hours it can be time to go to the bathroom.  Now, without removing any of your clothes, empty your ostomy into the toilet. Do not get any poo on you, your clothes or the floor. Clean up the ziplock seal nice and clean so it will perform correctly and put yourself back together again.

After about an hour put some more pudding in your bag. You don't have to fill up all at once. The goal here is to fill and empty your bag 4 to 6 times per day.  You may find it to be real challenge to keep everything clean and together. You may find the bag hanging down to be awkward. They do make ostomy support belts that allow an ostomate to wear their bag sideways.  I have one and it makes all the difference in  comfort. You can try supporting your bag with your belt or you can simulate an ostomy belt with several wraps of Ace bandage or maybe by using one of those back support belts. Just leave it fairly loose because you still have to fit your full bag under the belt. If you start wearing a faux ostomy support belt remember, you have to wear it 24/7. You can take it off to take a shower, but that's it.

When you want to share an intimate moment with your loved one be sure to empty your bag first and keep the support belt on as well. Nothing says "I want you" more than making love while wearing an ostomy belt. Keep at this for a few days or weeks.  For fun variations try going out of town.  Fill your bag, put on some nice clothes and drive for three hours. Then find a public restroom and empty your bag without making a mess of yourself or your clothes.  Hopefully your bag didn't leak along the way and if it did, hopefully you planned ahead and brought a change of underwear and jeans and enough supplies to replace your 'appliance'.

For you outdoor types, here is something fun.  Go for a long walk in the woods.  This time of year is perfect. Cold weather means more clothes.  After an hour or so, about the time you have to pee anyway, stop and try to empty your bag. Remember, try to keep all your clothes on and out of the way. You may find that squatting just doesn't work anymore. I really miss the days where I could squat in the snow and I never minded using snow instead of toilet paper.

I really hope some of you try this at home. What can it hurt? You will be dealing with pudding after all, and not the real poo.  You may find that in the middle of the night your nose will detect the sweet odor of leaking pudding and wake you before you mess the whole bed. If you make it that far, you have arrived. O, I left out the part about using disposable gloves. I use them all the time to protect myself when cleaning the opening to my bag. I figure it's bad enough to have to mess with my own shit. I don't want to wear it or smell it on myself.

Hope you enjoyed this little exercise and got a feel for what I, and lots of other people, deal with everyday. As the late Jim Reeves used to sing "Welcome to my world. Won't you come on in?...  Miracles I guess, still happen now and then."

Peace and love from the DYI Ostomy World Headquarters,
Mike