Expectation Revisited

"Expectation is premeditated disappointment."

The best advice I received about this cancer journey came from my husband on the day he was diagnosed. He said, "People in our lives will behave in ways we don't expect. Some of those close to us will move away and those we least expect will step up and be there and help in ways we never would have dreamed of."

That is exactly what has happened. We have had some of the people we thought we were closest to step back into the shadows or disappear all together from our lives. No phone calls, no visits, no nothing. I've heard things like: "I don't know what to say." "It makes me uncomfortable." "It makes me too sad to think about it." "It all hits too close to home."

On the other hand, we have had people we've kept on the fringe and people who have just recently come into our lives, be there in some very unselfish ways. These people have stepped into the void left by those whom we "expected" would be there for us or more to the point whom I thought would be here for Mike. I am VERY thankful to those who have given freely of themselves and I look to them as my own example. I just don't get the rest and their reasons for bailing on Mike he needs them most. Seems cowardly.

Maybe I'm being a critical, mostly I'm surprised and, ok, disappointed. It just seems selfish to not be able to put your own uncomfortable feelings aside and be there for your friend or family. I don't understand it; makes me mad actually.

The surgery is over. Mike is alive and home.Chemo re-starts in a few weeks. Mike is still healing and needs a good deal of rest. He can't do much because of a 10 pound weight restriction. That means he can't lift more than a gallon of milk.  He can't do any real chores around the house. He can't really do any yard work. It means he can't haul gear out to deer hunt. He can't gut a deer by himself and he can't drag it. What it means is that on my days off I will go with him if he wants to hunt or wait here while he hunts alone (walking with a light pack and his gun) and then go back to the woods and help him gut and drag a deer if he gets one.  Oh, sure, he could call one of his "buddies" and ask to hunt with them but you know there is a little pride left in Mike and he doesn't want to feel like a burden. So, will he call....I say no.

Why wouldn't he call you ask? Let's reverse this a little:   Would you call and ask for help? Would you ask if you could tag along on a hunt if you were in his shoes? Why? Why not? Why would you not ask for help? Is it hard to ask? Do you have too much pride? Would you feel like a burden? If someone showed up and said let's do this or fix this or go do this???? Would that be different? Asking for help is a difficult thing now isn't it?

*sigh*

Well, now do I feel better for taking a few people to task? Not really. I should be happy for all the new and beautiful people in my/our lives and I should be "cleaning house" and making room for them in my/our life but I'm having trouble letting go of those of you who have been in our lives for a long time. I'm having trouble understanding your actions and reactions. I mourn for old friends and family who are not "available" who for whatever reason can't be there, especially for Mike. I don't understand you and "holy pre-meditated disappointment" I keep expecting you will change.

*dope slap*

Clearly this is my problem...sorry for putting the expectation on ya! I sure have a lot to learn.

Peace,

Karen