A Change in the Weather- A Change in Me

I'm paraphrasing a line from an old Taj Mahal song. At least that is the way I remember it; I may have it wrong. Right now the temp is about zero, with a sharp wind from the northwest. The sun has done what it can do for today and is sliding down to the horizon. Mauve and gray clouds litter the powder blue sky and the tops of the trees across the road blush with the salmon orange of the setting sun; a color a that can only hint at warmth this time of year. This is my favorite time of day; that time when the sun is setting and twilight approaches, carrying a new palette of colors: violet, indigo and sometimes the delicate and ephemeral, if I may use a term that relates to spring, pale green,a subtle flash of color that one must watch for to actually see.

The change in the weather is actual. Friday night we had rain meaning Saturday morning we had fresh ice on top of our snow. Rain at this time of year is just a pain, a nuisance. Nighttime lows were in the 30's and we just stayed home and off the roads. This evening the sun glared on the wind polished ice and snow drifted across the road, writhing like hissing snow snakes. Tonight the lows will be in the minus teens below zero. In the space of a few days the weather has turned itself on its' head. Kind of apropos really; January 26th is traditionally the coldest day of the year.

The change in me is real also. We had our sixth chemo today and it went well. I am speaking for myself but I would bet Karen would echo my sentiments: I feel a sense of relief. This is due to our determination to be treated better and ultimately, by a different oncologist. Yesterday Fargo called to say "Ok, you can have chemo in Bemidji and the doctor will process your orders from here." Well, that was good news, but I wasn't going to Fargo anyway, no matter what. I just wasn't going to take a day off to talk to a doctor I don't like or trust, about symptoms he didn't want to treat in the first place.

Another good change is that I will have a different oncologist for my last two chemo treatments. But I will have to go to Fargo, once, to meet him. He is going to want to talk to me and get to know me, etc., etc. I can deal with this because he will be a different doctor, and it will be for only two visits. I know some may think I should have been able to suck it up and deal with my former oncologist for the last few treatments and maybe you are right. I could not deal with the stress and anger that came with him. I do not like having all that anger in my life anymore, at all.

This is a change in me, and us, that was sorely needed. This cancer thing is stressful enough. Yesterday's news and today's treatment left me with a feeling of relief. In a sense we 'won' but we have no sense of victory. It was not about winning anyway. What we were fighting for was our right to be treated honestly, with the respect and the professionalism one should expect from someone who can put M.D. after their name.

The moon, waxing toward full, is high in the twilight sky. The sun has set and soon, if I am lucky enough, I may catch that flash of green that seals the day and signals the arrival of another cold January night.

Peace and love to you all,
Mike