"A Hole in My Bucket"

Tonight we are both kind of cranky; nothing really bad, just kind of wanting answers and energy and our old life back.

I am getting more tired, more often and I wonder if this is what life is like with a big parasite inside you. I have to bring more and more food to work to make it through the day or I run out of energy. Lisa told Karen that was due to mal-absorption in my colon. No matter how much I eat my bucket always has a hole in it. I am one of those people that can pretty much eat breakfast at 5:30 when I get up. Then I can eat it again about 9:30 and still be hungry at lunch time. By the time I get home after work I am hungry again and so tired all I want is a nap.

This has me worried. I haven't started treatment yet (I won't go there tonight) and I am already tired. Fatigue is one of the major effects of radiation; fatigue that isn't relieved with sleep. I am afraid I will be in the hole before I even get going. And when I am tired I have more difficulty keeping my spirits up. It is hard to be enthused about doing much or starting projects. I know I should not be putting life on hold but I sure have difficulty generating enough mental and physical energy to do the things I used to do without thinking. I feel like I should be doing something for exercise because as we all know, exercise generates energy and makes us feel better. I have given up on biking to work this summer. I did it last year and usually liked it but with my energy deficit it is not happening this year. Most evenings we are both so tired that even getting out to paddle is something we put off till the weekend.

We just got a couple informational books from the Roger Maris Cancer Center. The really useful one is so intense I just had to put it down. I will try to read it later because I am pretty sure I will come away with new knowledge and new questions to ask the oncologist. About a month ago I met a woman whose husband just went through rectal cancer and I am planning to send them my questions. No one knows the truth of this experience till they walk the walk and I figure Dave and Ann could be great resources.

We are so hoping that next week will be a turning point in getting treatment started. I don't know what I have to do- take hostages? Getting a case manager assigned to us was huge. I hope she can help me deal with Fairview in a more productive manner. I don't understand how a 'world-class' facility can drop people like they dropped us. I have no qualms about the surgeon or other doctors or nurses. I am beginning to think the patient care part is run by a paralyzed, blind, deaf mute. Did I say that? Was I rude? Tough. Like I said, it is kind of crabby out tonight.

The evening is beautiful; calm and warm. No wind today and temps in the 70's - a perfect summer day. I think, -no,- I know, we will be going to the river this weekend. Twice if I have my way. I don't need to catch a trout as much as I just need to be out in the wild, on the water and away from people and the whole 4th of July hoopla. In fact, right now is the perfect time to be in the river. After the past couple days the water wouldn't be too warm. A red doe might step into the river to drink and get out of the mosquitoes for a while. And just when the sun sets and the bats can't decide between the mosquitoes and your fly, the trout will begin to rise...

Pinch down your barbs.
Peace,
Mike