We are an hour from Mike's appointment with the surgeon. The MRI results should be in his hands when we get to the office. It holds news we want to hear or may not want to hear.
My belly is fluttering and I keep reminding myself to breathe. I'm nervous. Anxious. It feels like we are going to hear about the rest of our lives today and I guess we are. I want good news. Mike wants and needs good news. Last evening over drinks with Justine he said he didn't know if the news was the cancer has spread if he could do this, fight that is. He said he was tired and sick of fighting for sleep, for a good life, for happiness for cancer.
I don't know how to make him fight. I don't know how to carry all the bags, the paddles, the boat and him over this portage. He said he wanted to quit but there was no place to quit to. That is my line, a discovery I made on a difficult portage on our first trip out. It's my rule and I hope beyond hope that Mike hears himself and understands because with this cancer there is a place to quit to...he can quit if he wants at any time and death is the place to quit to.
I don't want that. I don't want to hear anything today that would indicate that quitting would be a viable option. So, I'm trying hard to suck it up, to "butch up" or as Diane would say , "Snap out of it bitch."
This is a case of do or do not there is no try. Wish us luck, in 45 minutes everything changes.
Peace,
Karen
1 comment:
Hi! It's nearly suppertime here and Terry just called me in to read your blog. I don't know how you guys have been going thru' this but your accounts in writing should be published...how you can put your tho'ts into such clear writing is amazing to me.
As to "the end" (My wording)- Is it better to go thru' a terminal illness with a loved one and say everything you want to before D day....or is it better to have someone you love taken from you with no warning, as in our Karen's. Seems to me you two are lucky that you both have the ability to say exactly what you want to, to each other and when you can't, you've put it into writing. In the few years you've been married, I think you've had a far better life together than some people have in a lifetime of marriage. Do not regret anything. Life is short no matter how many years one is together with a partner. We'll ALL meet again in a better place. It has to be the most difficult thing to say goodbye and know it's the end. I said goodbye to Terry both of his overseas tours when he was headed to Viet Nam and was sick at heart till he came back again. At the time he left, I was sure he'd be killed over there; a good friend had lost her hubby and a childhood friend had been killed there also. I know, Karen, that the feeling in your heart will be even worse KNOWING the goodbye will be final, if that is what the outcome is, and that the next time you see Mike he'll be in heaven. We have been praying that it isn't the D word and that Mike will find the strength and courage to dig in and go on.
Our prayers have been and will be with you both forever! We love you! Judy
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