Whaddya do?

I don't know where to start; nothing is terribly wrong. It's just that I feel this ...general malais?

I can tell that days are getting shorter. I am one of those people affected by light, or lack of it and every autumn I feel the beginning of the downhill slide into darkness. Less daylight often feels like less time and I still struggle with the 'things' that should get done. And there is less time to do these things, before surgery. And then there is the question of surgery and the ostomy and somehow I never find the time to go online and do the research. Avoidance? Yeah, guilty; along with not getting my advance care directives and medical power of attorney and making sure I have a living will, and, and ...

Why does this happen? I kind of want to blame it on the weather. I mean, what with hot summer days in September and glass waters begging to be paddled, who wouldn't want to avoid those 'unfun' chores? Who wouldn't want to just sit and soak up the sunshine? But using the nice weather is just a poor excuse for laziness, for procrastination, for letting fear run part of my life.  My mind wants to play "what if?" with all the things that could go wrong in the next several weeks. So, I went for a walk today at lunchtime. I moved my feet in the sunshine and fresh air and came back feeling more energized and a bit more relaxed.

This state I am in right now is a work in progress and I probably really won't know why I feel a bit lost for a while.  This is the way things work, or don't work, for me.  Little by little, situations, and things, pile up; tears held back turn into tension headaches. I can't put my finger on the reason I don't feel right and eventually Karen and I end up on our couch while I ramble about 'all these things'. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I get to do it all over again till I find the cause. It is frustrating for both of us. Karen has the patience of a saint.

Peace,
Mike